I am 17 years old. I got diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last June when I was 16. I overdosed on my medications hoping that I wouldn’t be here anymore. I felt like a burden to my family and that’s when my first hospitalization happened. I felt more distant and alone even when I was hospitalized. I’ve been hospitalized three other times since last June. The first time I tried to end my life was in the beginning of 8th grade, when I was 14. I also started self-harming too then. I was feeling so alone and empty and I didn’t know who else to talk to when it came to my emotions.
My parents growing up kind of made my feelings less than and didn’t really listen to how I felt. They would also be dismissive and team up on me whenever I got into trouble at home. I felt so alone that I would start writing goodbye letters to them. I would turn to self-harm since I didn’t know who else to turn to. I saw a therapist but didn’t know if I could trust her so I would tell her everything was fine when everything wasn’t fine. I would hide my feelings and pretend that everything’s all good and happy when in reality, everything wasn’t. I felt like I had no future because whenever I told my parents I wanted to become this or that, they would dismiss my job ideas and instead tell me how hard it was going to be to become that.
I felt hopeless then and kept telling myself that it was going to be too hard to become that or would tell myself that I’m never going to be smart enough to become that. I would always compare myself to my sister since she was so much smarter than me and seemed like she had a “perfect life.” She would get good grades and even got a scholarship to a college. I wanted to be her because she would also rarely get into trouble with my parents. They would get along pretty well. I felt like since I got in trouble the most out of my three siblings that maybe I would be better off dead since I felt like a burden. Like if I wasn’t here, then life would be easier and more enjoyable without me.
After being hospitalized, I got sent to a family friend’s house and that is where I am currently living. I still feel alone, sad, and suicidal but knowing that I can get the help that I need is all that matters. I am currently seeing a therapist and doing Intensive outpatient therapy too and have been taking medicine for my depression. I want everyone to know that they aren’t alone and even though you might feel like you have to “fake it until you make it,” know that there are people that want to help you.